Loving Beyond the Default: The Rise of Polyamory & Ethical Non-Monogamy

I was in my mid-thirties when I stepped off the familiar path and into something wildly different. What began as curiosity about polyamory soon expanded into ethical non-monogamy and, eventually, full-on relationship anarchy.

It actually all started in the world of kink. I was fascinated by the psychological and emotional dynamics of Dom/sub relationships, the raw honesty, the way power and vulnerability danced together. That fascination cracked open a door to a much bigger universe of alternative relationships.

After fifteen years in a monogamous marriage, and a few rebound dating attempts, I had a hard realization: I was living the definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. So, I did what I always do when the old rules stop making sense. I read. I researched. I devoured every scrap of knowledge I could find.

Rewiring my own brain took time. I had to wrestle with jealousy and my own shaky communication habits. I had to admit I’d been sold a single story of love: meet one person, pick forever, cue the credits = Happily Ever After. Years of fairytales and social scripts had me wondering, what will people think? If I give someone freedom, do they truly love me?

But growth has a way of breaking through. I learned to name my needs, to voice my preferences without apology, to communicate like my relationships depended on it, because they did. I also had to face my own trust issues and to answer the question...if I love someone, do I own them? Is ownership actually love?

Now when I talk about alternative relationships, people often ask, “Isn’t ethical non-monogamy just swinging?”

The beauty of this dynamic is that you make it your own. For some, it’s purely sexual, a space to explore with multiple partners, no strings attached. For others, it’s about cultivating romantic connections beyond a single partnership. There isn’t one blueprint. The only constant is consent and honesty.

Polyamory and ethical non-monogamy aren’t about sneaking around or collecting lovers like trophies. They’re about building relationships where truth isn’t a footnote, it’s the foundation. For some that looks like two partners who each have other connections; for others it’s a triad, a quad, or simply the freedom to explore when life calls for it.

This kind of love demands skills that every relationship, monogamous or not, could use:

• Radical communication. Talk until you know you’ve been heard, then talk some more.

• Jealousy as information, not a verdict. Feelings aren’t failures; they’re signals to slow down and check in.

• Boundaries built together. Rules aren’t handed down, they’re created, tested, and revised by everyone involved.

Today, I’m in the most loving monogamous relationship of my life, and it fits me beautifully. But I carry deep gratitude for the years I spent exploring polyamory and ENM. Those relationships reshaped me. They taught me courage, communication, and the power of choosing love on purpose, rooted in choice, rather than fear and lack of trust.

Now, as a counsellor, I work with couples across every dynamic, polyamorous, ENM, even those exploring relationship anarchy, helping them build the same skills that changed me: clear communication, brave self-expression, and the courage to name what they truly need. Because if we want to create successful relationships, we need to have the courage and the safe spaces that we need to open up, to heal, to be vulnerable.

Polyamory and ENM aren’t for everyone, and that’s the point. They’re not a trend or a rebellion. They’re a choice to shape love around the people in it, instead of forcing people to fit an old script.

Whether you’re curious or committed, the lesson is universal: when love is chosen with intention, it has room to be both fierce and free.

May your own story of love, whatever shape it takes, be chosen and cherished with the courage to love deliberately, to speak your needs aloud, and to keep choosing one another with open eyes and an open heart, fiercely and tenderly yours.

If you ever need a safe space to heal, I would be honored!